Christopher Robbin had long since moved out of childhood and in time the inhabitants of The Hundred Acre Woods moved out with him. For, the forest had been sold and a subdivision of single family housing was to be developed in its place.
Just north of Mt. Shasta we find a lonely two lane highway stretching across the volcanic tableland of grass and brush, which is interspersed with outcroppings of igneous rock. Upon this highway we find a donkey, mulling along with a slow gait and head hung low. And a tiger, who from his feet leans back on his tail, which curls like a spring beneath him, before propelling him forward several yards. He lands on his feet, leans back and repeats the motion. He says to the donkey,
“When we get to Weed you need to be happy! H – A – Double P – Y! Don't you know it is a wonderful thing!?”
“I know....I guess I will try” said the donkey.
“Don't just try you gotta do! We can have a home again my melancholy friend! You just got to stick with me! Don't you trust me?”
“What happened to Rabbit?” donkey asked.
The tiger sprang off of his tail onto his hind feet with arms crossed. Annoyed, he responded, “How many times do I have to T – E – Double L you! He left the woods at some point and is probably being a pain in the A- Double S to a whole new cast of “friends.”
“I know,” the donkey continued, “it is just...I miss them all...even Rabbit...so much...”
“Why!?” Exclaimed the tiger, “The bear and little pig were the favorites and got to go with C.R. Not you or me, and the kangaroos are expats now! We got shafted! F – O – R -G -O – Double T- E – N!”
“I know...” says the donkey in a downtrodden voice as the setting sun cast long shadows and they continue down the lonely highway.
Just after dusk they reached the frog's farm. The frog has a wife, a pig, that meets them outside the estate's main residence.
“Are you the new farmhands! I have never seen a more petulant, sullen, sorry looking laborers in my life! I must tell my husband this will not do!”
It was then the tiger sprang in front of her, “My most beautiful of swine, I can assure you our work is not just G – Double O – D, GOOD, but the best you will ever find! And such a beautiful pig as yourself must be looking for a tiger to trust and I have a donkey that can grind! Won't you give me a chance to win your heart and perhaps we could have some wine?” he exclaimed with a twirling bounce and a brimming smile.
The pig pulled out a hand-fan to cool her face and while giggling said, “Well, I will give you and your donkey a job, but the wine will have to wait!” That night the donkey bedded in the barn, while the tiger, being the new farm foreman, stayed within the residence. Donkey did not sleep that night but instead listened as the nearby river whispered. It whispered in the voices of friends now gone. And he looked at the stars. They looked like a million candles on a black frosted birthday cake. In the morning the barn doors flew open. Leaping in with a front flip the tiger landed on his tail striking a cross-legged and cross-armed pose,
“You ready?” The tiger asked.
The donkey raised up and stood on all fours. He reached back with his head, bit his tail and pulled it off his behind, then dropped it in front of his feet. Kicking it towards the tiger he asked, “How many kids this time?”
The tiger shouted, “N – O, N – O, N – O, NO!” Falling off his tail onto his back. “Remember the last birthday party? How you made all the children cry!?” The tiger said while writhing in laughter.
The donkey laid down on his belly on the hay and staring at the ground and asked, “then what are we doing here?”
The tiger said, “Come outside.”
The donkey followed the tiger onto a vast potato field, where at its edge stood a large rat and a skinny, red-haired fellow near a piece of farm equipment. They both seemed very nervous and made strange noises as the two approached. Once the donkey got close enough, he saw the farm equipment was a iron plow attached with leather straps to a wooden yoke.
“Put it on him” the tiger told to two mumbling field-hands.
The donkey asked the tiger, “What are we doing?”
“You are plowing potatoes.”
Donkey's field was the first to go. He didn't mind. But after the rest of the woods were gradually bulldozed over, he found himself alone except for a couple inhabitants that remained. The tiger had been hopping around looting all the residences of those who had fled before. The only resident that did not leave was Rabbit. He refused to leave. He said he would never leave. That is when the fire broke out Donkey ran towards rabbit's burrow, but the flames were too high and donkey's hooves started to burn. When the tiger, out of nowhere, sprang through the flames grabbing him. Tiger leaned back on his spring-tail, jettisoning donkey to other side of the valley, and away from the flames.
“But Rabbit!” donkey wept as they flew through the sky.
“Donkey, rabbit got out... I saw him leave yesterday... he told me... to T – E – Double L you goodbye.”
In the morning donkey woke up to find tiger staring across the valley with a slight smile. The fire had been extinguished and bulldozers had already leveled what was left of The Hundred Acre Woods.
The two muppets placed the yoke on donkey and scurried away. Tiger rode the plow and yelled to the donkey, “ P- U – Double L! PULL!” Donkey tried but the plow did not move. “Donkey! P- U – Double L THE PLOW!” Donkey tried again to pull the plow, but could not and collapsed into the mud.
Then a slamming door was heard and a shrill voice became louder in approach. The pig stomping up in anger said, “Tiger! What is going on here! You told me this donkey could work, no, he could grind you said!”
“He can... P – U – Double L this plow! Donkey! Let's make us proud!” Said tiger, but donkey did not get up.
Standing next to donkey the pig holding a whip says, “Tiger make him pull” and hands the whip to tiger. Without a word he looks at donkey and donkey gets up. Donkey tries to pull the plow but it does not move. “Tiger, whip him,” says the pig. The tiger, with unflinching eyes, pulls his arm up and strikes a gash upon donkey's back.
Donkey jolts forward and one of the leather straps attaching the yoke to the plow snaps at a metal joint. The strap with a broken steel fragment at its end whirls around like a flail and strikes the pig in the face. It strikes just below the right corner of the mouth up to the left temple leaving a four inch deep gash in between. The pig falls to the ground with blood flowing profusely from where a face used to be and the tiger tries to push the gray matter back into her shattered skull with his paw.
“L – Double O – K what you did!” Tiger screams.
Sobbing, donkey says, “I didn't mean to. I am so sorry...”
“You really fucked up donkey” said tiger looking over his shoulder as the ambulance's made their way over the field, painting the landscape with is red and blue light.. The pig was not dead yet and was rushed to a local doctor with the tiger close beside her. Donkey remain in the potato field looking at the bloodstain upon the ground. He kept looking at it until it became night and the color of the blood on the ground became indistinguishable from the dark of the night sky above. The pig died that night from her injuries.
The next morning the tiger kicked open the barn door expecting to find donkey there. Instead, he found a set of donkey tracks leading down to the nearby river. With a satchel over his shoulder he followed the tracks and found donkey sitting by the riverbank.
“Donkey you know what you did?” Asked tiger.
“Yes.” Replied donkey.
“Well, you B – E – Double T – E - R get up and come with me.”
“No, I think I am just going to stay here.”
“So, you are not going to come with me?” Tiger asked
“What happened to rabbit, tiger?”
Without hesitation, a blink, or a studder tiger said, “They buried him alive. He survived the fire. I watched the next morning as a bulldozer approached his hut. He came out and surrendered with bandaged hands and feet. The bulldozer did not stop though, and he ran inside as the plowed over his home. Thy immediately laid concrete on top of it... They buried him alive.”
“No!” donkey replied as he looks deeply into the river at his miserable reflection.
“Are you ever going to get up?”
“I don't...”
A long silence fell, with just the birds above softly chattering, when tiger asks, “Do you remember when we all threw you a surprise birthday party? Remember all of our friends we had there in the woods?” The distant wail of police cars become louder as tiger looks over his shoulder, reaches his hand into the satchel, and pulls out a small handgun. “Do you remember how happy you were?”
As donkey listens, the the voices of the river become muddled and he watches as the candles of the night's birthday cake grow dimmer with the coming day. “I have never been happy.”
“Not even s a child?” asked tiger.
“No. Never.”
“That is a shame.”
The ensuing concussion causes the chattering birds to scatter and donkey's body collapses into the river. Tiger tosses the gun into the water, then leans back upon his spring-tail, and bounces into the woods, away from noise of the encroaching sirens.
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